Friday, March 1, 2013

The beautiful people! (a few of my amends begun)

If I had a shotgun, you know what I'd do? I'd point that shit straight at the sky and shoot heaven on down for you.. - Sublime

Sleeping in the trash.. taking girls for all the things I need like booze, drugs and ass! - Alice in Chains

I am a drug addict, but that's not all I use.. I have a terrible habit of using people. The past few days, I've been noticing that something is wrong in my new-found positive mindset; I have been decently spiritual since leaving Sundown, and basically unstoppable in my recovery, but the last few days appear to have lost that sheen of breathlessness and excitement that has become the trademark of my time at my Oxford house. The only really notable change that has taken place is that I've started to respond to some of the attention I've been getting from girls that I'm genuinely uninterested in.. not that I've gotten laid or anything; I haven't done that since the Dark Ages of like a month and a half ago (;P), with my ex. My drug habit had a lot to do with girls, and the way that I treated them was rarely nice; not to their faces, most of the time (except in rare circumstances where a female went rogue-psycho and started to do weird shit in my life), but in the end it was almost always evident that they hadn't meant shit to me.

I've always chased any sort of feel-good I could get my hands on, especially when it meant that I wasn't going to feel so good when it came out of the wash. Like most addicts, I think, you would probably get the faaaaaintest impression of pathological masochism from my life if you watched it like a movie. Inpatient taught me that when a drug user gets clean, the quickest road to relapse is leaving old behaviors unchanged. It wasn't always having sex that gave me the high I was looking for from a girl--though believe me, I have had no qualms about it when it came to that--it was the emotional roller coaster that I could take them on, as well. When someone's quality of life shoots up and down and up again and they can't seem to stop their self from sticking around anyway, that does a lot to stroke the ego for me. After all, what greater display of love is there than to accept suffering for someone else's sake? (love.. or obsession, or addiction, take your pick)

So I guess you could say there's a little bit of sociopath in my behavior. Drugs numb you to a lot of things; for maybe 85% of the damage I have done to the women that have been in and out of my life, I have been numb as hell. I'm not sure there is enough paper in the world to contain what will someday be my eighth step in AA, and I'm not sure that I could come up with half of the very real amends that I need to make to them. I just didn't care enough at the time. I'm sure there are plenty of girls out there that would love to get their hands around my throat if they could get away with it, especially if there was a time machine that could take them back to that moment when they hated me most.

Ever since I was a kid and I lost a little weight, started playing heavy metal music and got into public school--back when girls first started to "notice" me--I have had countless romantic encounters with girls that thought I was in it to win it. Uh, maybe that's a little crude. They thought that I wanted to be with them, okay? The truth about THAT was that I probably had a girlfriend already. Ninety-eight percent of the time, anyway.. there was that lucky two percent, when whatever female I was putting through the ringer got sick of me and left the torture seat open for some other poor chick to sit in. When crystal meth entered the equation, you can imagine how things became exponentially worse.

I can't really even begin to tally up the apologies that I owe, but here's a few that I have the means to execute this moment and perhaps get them seen on here:

Molly

We have known each other since for EVER, and I'm sorry for the douche bag crankster gangster that I became. I hope one day you'll dislike me less again, because you are truly the shit. Your companionship and your friendship were amazing, and I miss you.

Sabrina

Yes, I did take your money that morning. You were trying to get clean and sober, and I came to your house high as hell to spend the night and then robbed you the next day. I'm sorry for being a lame sonofabitch.

Heidi

Wow dude, where do I even begin? You were so fucking down for me, there was nothing you wouldn't do for my sake. Every time I went to jail when I was with you, you were right there selling everything that I had bought you so that you wouldn't have to sell mine, coming through with my bail and doing everything that I asked. There was ALWAYS money on the phone. The list goes on and on, and I am so sorry for the things that I did to you, which is a list that goes on WAY longer.. believe that. You are a truly good person.

Desirae

I can't help but think that I had something to do with you going back out when you were trying to stay clean. Our personalities meshed dangerously well, and the friendship/relationship that ensued was atomic. You were perhaps the only other person on the face of this Earth that loved self-destruction as much as me, and we very well could have gone up in flames together if we had pushed it much farther. I'm sorry for not being a better friend, and being a bad influence. You are a gangster, and I am glad to see you alive and happy.

Kasondra/Kandi

Ever since that show in Granite Falls eight years or so ago, we have always been close--until recently. You were always there when I needed you, and I rarely did half as much to get your back. We would go months without talking sometimes, and every time I came back around it was like we had never spent a day apart. We always had kind of the same attitude toward life, though you definitely represented the lighter half of that similarity; you are one of the most electric people I have ever known, and I'm sorry that we've grown apart. Keep doing your thing, Sloth.. maybe we'll talk again soon.

Jordan

You're the mother of my child, and one strong girl. You were my first love, and I did everything in my power to hurt you. There is no discernable beginning or end to the things that I could apologize to you for; our history is too long and too fucked up for me to even begin to say anything but I am sorry, and you are the best mother that I could have asked for our child to have. You never cease to amaze me, even now when you despise me so much. Thank you.

Jade

Dude, if there were more people like you in the world, we would either all be completely fucked or there would be a whole lot less wrong with this planet. The way it is, there is only one of you, and you are absolutely beautiful in every single way that there is to be beautiful. You are the kind of person that believes in things, and you were my best friend before you figured out that it was a waste of time. I miss you so much. I'm sorry.

Vicky

Ha ha dude, you look so mad at me in this picture.. Sometimes I'm not even sure how I managed to land a girl that was as crazy as me and just as amazing as she was completely nuts. Every day with you was an adventure, and I fucked things up between us--bad. I put you through hell, and you were a complete and total soldier. You turned out to be much better off without me, and recently told me that you didn't want to speak to me anymore.. I'm glad that you changed your mind. Like I said, I don't like to think about what a life completely without your presence would be like. Your son is beautiful, and I am happy for you and your new life. Things will only get better from here, girl.

Hannah

You are one of the most solid girls I know, and any time I needed you you've always been there. You suffer from a complete and total case of bangin' swag fever, and probably need either medical attention or just a medal for that. ;) You and I are getting sober simultaneously, and I am so proud of you it's ridiculous. I have mad love for you girl, and during the brief time that we did have a thing, I treated you so much worse than you deserved. I'm sorry for the asshole that I've been to you, and I'm glad that you're still in my life.

Wendy

We have known each other since middle school, and I spent years chasing you before you ever gave me the time of day. When you did, I promptly began to fuck you off like I do the rest of the world, and that was sick of me. You are amazing, and I congratulate you on becoming stronger than my idiocy. You're going to do big things, chica.. keep doing your thing.

Toribob

We have an entire wall dedicated to us at your parents' house, and it's full of equal parts love and hate on your part, which is most definitely appropriate. We have had some of the best conversations in the world, and to this day I can trust you with whatever is on my mind, no matter what it is. You are a thing of beauty and sorrow, and I am praying for you. You are one of a kind.

Stefanie

We have never had a romantic relationship, but you have been incredible to me throughout the time that we have known each other, which is probably longer than anyone else I am currently speaking to. Even recently, though it was a GOD AWFULLY long drive, you sent your boyfriend up to pick me up when I got myself into a stupid situation at the local trap house. You are a beautiful person, and I'm sorry for not being as good a friend for you as you have been for me.

Lexy

I saw a picture on your Facebook page that said "we are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone who's weirdness is compatible with ours, we join them up and fall into a mutual weirdness and call it love." You are a beautiful, insane, confused person, and I consider you one of my closest friends. Throughout our knowledge of one another's existence you have been more and less than that--more when you weren't sick of my shit, less when I treated you horribly and you knew that you were better than that. You are the definition of amazing, and I am so sorry for everything that I have put you through. Looking forward to Clean and Free by the Sea next weekend.. :) It is going to be fucking epic. Much love, goahgeous.

Kristen

If people want to know what it's like to have to say goodbye to someone you want to spend every minute of every day with, they can borrow my life for a minute. I just might love you until the day I die, and if I ever see you again I don't know what I will say. My fondest memories in life are with you; my favorite things about anyone in the world are yours. The hardest lessons I have had to learn in my life were because of the way I treated you. Words can't express the apology that I need to give you, and actions could never erase the damage done. You are the best thing on the face of this Earth. You'll probably never read this, but I am so sorry. I pray for your happiness every day, and I hope that wherever you end up is better than the places I took you. Love is about appreciation, not possession. I'll never, ever forget you, Jellyfish.

On that note I'm out of here for now, folks. Til next time.

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