Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Some seek shelter in the church, a refuge for those with faith; but we know how to smoke them out, a pyre will be raised - "Gods of War Arise," Amon Amarth

Impervious to FIRE, impervious to STEEL! MERCILESS VENGEANCE! - "The Goatrider's Horde," 3 Inches of Blood

You know what's funny? Not a God damn thing about today. This is the point in my life at which I usually freak out and do something unforgivable. What the fuck is wrong with people? What the fuck is wrong with me? I drank too much the other night, and I hate that shit. It has my mind all fucked up.

I really need an NA meeting. I need something.

What am I even doing here? This was always for Christene. It was all for Christene, always. We used to have our own place, and I was a college student, studying English, always on the verge of self annihilation, always drinking too much, always carrying on like I belonged to her world until I destroyed both of us. Why did I bring an innocent girl into my war campaign versus myself? Why is that kind of collateral damage acceptable, why do I make excuses, why am I so full of hate and sadness all of the time? Why is NOTHING ever good enough?

"Let's smoke our lives away," my good friend Johnny J used to always say.

I've always gone against the grain, always smiled crookedly in the face of serious life decisions. My teachers always loved me and thought that I just needed a challenge. What a load of bull shit. I am a bomb. I begin to build something, gaining momentum, and when it holds me up for a moment--some mystifying question like "how do I get a job?" Or maybe "what is the next step?"--I use that momentum to kick free of it, and crash. I had an apartment and student loans, and this idea that I was going to be an English professor, while Christene worked a desk job at a landscaping company nine to five-ish (maybe more like seven to three). My daughters visited me at that house, frequently, and for a while everything was great. I even had a car, a ninety seven Honda civic. A flat-screen TV and a playstation 3, a laptop where I played World of Warcraft because I'm secretly a fantasy nerd. It made me itch, the normalcy. Why does that make me itch? Why do I dress myself up in the vestments of someone that has a plan, only to rip them apart with my bare hands until the pieces resemble nothing sensible or functional, just striped discord, thundering chaos like a Slayer song or the aftermath of a riot brought on by some natural disaster?

I'm running out of opportunities. One day there will be nothing left but the drugs and burglaries, and one day I will have nowhere to turn but deeper into the rabbit hole, just the way I like it. Where does it stop? Murder, overdose, prison? Why then am I still so compelled to make a mess, bleed this place of resources and take out my hate and frustration on Marc and his belongings just because he has his own quirks and dislikes and has the audacity to not see things entirely from my point of view? Moron, I think. Less than me. Drunken hick deadbeat waste-of-oxygen mother FUCKER, you don't know me or where I come from and now you pay.

It's the same thing I did to my mother's ex husband Shawn, and when he fought me to the end the situation climaxed with me kicking in his apartment door and trying to hurt him. Why do I always have to underline other people's faults so much that they embolden my own to the point where people will have nothing more to do with me?

I am a great burner of bridges. I like to swim, I guess.

Sure people have problems, and they probably need help, but violent pacification is not therapeutic, and it generates further hate and mistrust. And what does it all come back to? I want things to deteriorate enough that I have nowhere else to go. I don't want to be here or there or anywhere that doesn't look like it's crawling with drugs and crankster gangsters. I resist happiness and I think things look better on fire, even though it's likely that one day those flames will close in and take me with them.

I really need a meeting, or something. Off to figure out the transit system here..