So in my personal story, girls have a lot to do with my use. I'm sure I've said at least some of this before, but it has become relevant in my life again so forgive me if I repeat myself a little--I don't often look at my past entries, just belt them out as inspiration dictates. Sex was never anything that I held sacred in my days of drugging; it wasn't even really a matter of pride, or a contest as with some people of my gender, but more like a weapon and a survival mechanism. I was so thoroughly involved in matters of sex and superficiality that when my opportunity to demonstrate the quality of my heart came around, I didn't even know where to begin to show real affection.
I have always had something of a hole in my heart, ever since I can remember; I spent every day chasing the ultimate escape route, the easiest way to achieve satisfaction with the present. I knew that the affection of girls was given easily to me, but it was a cheap affection in my eyes because of the multitude of sources and the ease with which I obtained it. Girls that believed they had found some kind of a hidden treasure in me were soon left in a position of emotional and financial bankruptcy. I was a predator, using things that should have been positive and life-affirming for the worst imaginable purposes.
Today, I am finding that I have to work on myself and put my romantic impulses on the back burner. I am someone who is in pain and still healing, both in matters of my heart and my addiction. The more time I spend with my sight turned inward, the more I find that I like myself enough to make that investment and let things happen naturally without my interference--because let's face it, my will has proven to be a weapon of mass destruction. Glad I don't have to live like that anymore. :)
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